So here goes...It's been 10 months since my last blog post and I feel guilty and annoyed by the fact that I abandoned my writing, because dammit, I LOVE TO WRITE! I let go of the momentum I had for my blog -- for the passion I felt about sharing my story, and the goal of inspiring others to go...get out...and adventure with their mini/s all while learning to re-define themselves in their journey through motherhood.
And on that note, I will go from absolutely nothin' to totally somethin' off the top of my head, from the bottom of my heart.
...I HAD A BABY...I am now a mom of two boys...THE TRIBE IS ALIVE (and more than kicking)...
I am 11 weeks postpartum and O-M-G I am pretty G-O-O-D!
Baby Hartley ("Hart") is oohing, cooing, sleeping, eating and pooping. Our little boysie came two weeks early but we spent almost 9 months talking about how we would be adding a new member to the family. It consumed us...the impact the baby would have on all of us, but most of all, the effect it would have on me.
After birthing Shep I was in a considerable amount of physical pain. After Hart, I felt myself bouncing back (physically). Low-key physical pain coupled with the fact that I already knew 'how to be a mom' made me think I wouldn't suffer emotionally again.
Three and a half years ago I was totally not thriving. I was severely anxious and depressed and spent most of my time in bed, resting the day away while the babysitter and my family, held, fed and watched over my baby because I couldn't. Days turned to nights and back to days again. It was a "super sad should be happy" time. No other words can describe my experience with postpartum depression other than plain oldsadness.
I got help. I spoke a bit about this in another blog so I'll just say that I continue to receive therapy and this time around, even though I was medicated for my depression (happy mommy, happy baby), 5 days into my postpartum journey I felt something coming on. It was a new yet familiar feeling. I was happy with the baby but worried about the chaos that would ensue.
I had a toddler and a baby now. Things were rapidly changing no matter how much I planned for this. Sheppie was throwing 6:30 am pants optional dance parties and spent most days flailing around like a kookster. He was a good boy but he was testing us. Anxiety about lack of sleep was getting to me. Being a mom is hard freaking work. My doctor upped my meds, I stopped breast feeding so I could really sleep (like really try to rest), my husband took over nigh time feedings and I took note of my EQ.
Before I knew it Hart was 10 days old and I had scheduled a newborn photo shoot with Little Nest Portraits way before he was born. I had to go and do this shoot. The thing was, I felt the need to have newborn photos of Hart now as he was all tiny and squishy. I didn't get to have these moments with Shep. I wasn't present with him at this stage so the only way I could reconcile that was to really be all there for Hart.
We all wore our best shades of blue and the brotherly love came alive that sun-shiney day! It was movie-magic. Sheppie wanted to sit with his brother...show him around, and as you can see, lie down, cuddle and kiss baby Hartie. He was proud to be with his baby. My boys were bonding and I was present -- not even 2 weeks out from having a baby.
Sidenote #1 I used to direct photo shoots in my previous life so I recognized that this was a good way for me to get some of my non-mama mojo back. Add a dose of creativity that I needed. I watched as my tribe was becoming bound together...tightly. (It helped that Nina was a baby whisperer behind the camera). Memory making at its finest.
So yea, I am totally feeling my Little Nest photos and wanted to share them in this first blog back because they aren't just pictures of my kids. They are moments my boys most definitely won't remember in a few years (or ever) but they were real 'moment moments.' You know what I mean? The ones that jump out and yell at you 'hey, you! remember me always."
Now we are 2 months in and I am still filled with many mixed feelings on pregnancy, labor, birth, family. There are so many pre/post-partum vibes that it makes my head spin (sidenote #2 -- I drink a lot of coffee so my head naturally spins all day errie-day), that I seriously don't know where to begin...or end my story.
...this has been somewhat of a long run on blog because I think that's what motherhood is -- a meandering, sometimes jumbled experience (but not lacking in purpose and meaning) made up of many moments stacked on top of each other to make a life long up and down story.
So pardon me for taking some time to myself away from the blog. I got lost in the meandering moment of life for awhile but, there' s a lot of meaning in the meandering. That I know for sure.
**Special Thanks to Brit and Nina at Little Nest Montclair for EVERYTHING they have done in capturing my family since Shep was 18 mos old. As I always say, if you live locally and visit Brit's shop, tell her Allegra sent ya.**